Lost Light

from Out With Lanterns

I am stuck under fog–white, cold,
and I keep telling myself that it
could be worse. I could be too hot,
scalded. Fruitless comparison.
I can’t listen to myself anymore.
I’m a terrible roommate who
won’t stop self sabotaging,
leaves the milk out to warm,
forgets about the wet laundry. 
I am here and not here, wandering
from room to room looking for
an anchor, or maybe a ball to toss. 

Even the dog looks at me sideways,
wonders where on earth I went. 
It’s not that I intend to be absent, 
but I was taught to live that way–
aren’t we all? Taught to chase the
shiny dollar even though we all 
lie in bed at night and know better. 
I’ve known better for far too long,
and it leaves me chasing my tail.
When ego falls away and I live 
by my own golden light, I can shine, 
yes, but I always dim way too fast–
land damp, shivering, searching.

Photo by Dave Hoefler on Unsplash