21 Sunflowers

from Out With Lanterns

Hi friends,
I have been away for a week for the saddest reason. We lost Sunny, our six-year-old golden retriever on July 26th at 3AM. Our hearts are broken. If you know me, you know how important my dogs are to me. This loss hurts a ton. I will be okay, as will Greg and Rachel and Lucy, but I’m feeling a new kind of sad that is born of how much we loved our Sunshine.

Here’s what happened: She had a stricture in her colon that would periodically get so tight that she’d be unable to poop. She had three surgeries after blockages where they’d open her up and squeeze everything out, and when she had a fourth blockage, the veterinarians said we had to try something else, as she couldn’t continue to have these surgeries. We did a colonic re-sectioning where they took out the stricture and hoped that the healthy parts of her colon would successfully heal together and she would finally live a normal life. The first week after surgery, she was so great. Then the poops started getting smaller and then she stopped being able to poop at all. We took her to the vet last Friday and they said there was nothing more we could do, to take her home and give her the best weekend we could, then say goodbye. She had the best day on Saturday and got to eat all of the things she was never allowed—cheese, human turkey, dog bones, and steak. She pranced around with her bone like it was Christmas. But by Saturday night at 2AM, it was clear she was in so much pain that it was unfair to try to ask her to continue living. We took her to the ER vet and while her passing did not go how we’d hoped, we had to do what was best for her in that moment. Greg and I are replaying it all in our heads, trying to grapple with the guilt, while knowing we didn’t have any other choice. Her pain was too acute.

It’s a new kind of heartbreak I’m feeling. Losing a dog at six years old while also contending with middle age and the empty nest is pretty rough. We also lost two other dogs and a cat in the last year. Two of the dogs were quite old. Holly was nearly twenty and Jackson was eighteen. Their passings were sad but beautiful too, in the sun in the backyard surrounded by all of us. They had such long and great lives. But then our beloved cat Gadget died in January, very quickly of cancer, and now Sunny is gone. I wake up and still expect to see her. Greg and I are just trying to hold on to each other.

All this to say, I’m experiencing a new kind of heartache and have been unable to write much. I am going to try to write next week, so hopefully you’ll see new pieces then. I called this post 21 sunflowers because so many kind people brought bouquets and almost all of them had sunflowers in them. I counted and there were 21. Such kindness from friends (and even chewy.com) really meant so much to me. And to the friends and neighbors who offered cookies, hugs, phone calls, texts, cards, I am so grateful for your kindness. You’ve taught me something about how beautiful it is when people show up. Thank you.

To Sunny, I am so sorry we couldn’t save you my angel. We tried so hard. I miss you so much. Our morning snuggles (that you insisted on) were the best starts to my day. Thank you for gracing our family with your soul for as long as you did. I hope you’re with Bunker and Jackson and Holly and Gizmo and Gadget.

With love,

Julie